TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Sure, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And not the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It should be huge. Incredible!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed through the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've had attractive ceasefires in Syria. Several of the very best. But now, we are making them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and entirely from put. Made by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A 3-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable water. But Certainly, confident, let's have A further area exactly where American Adult males can use robes and contact it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace try since Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though preceding negotiations unsuccessful below the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is less complicated: provide All people a set within the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


Based on paperwork released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is gentle electrical power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a deal in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements fewer diplomats and more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each individual device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest noted, "It's not that Trump should not open a tower inside a war zone. It is that he should really prevent working with it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested in regards to the venture, replied, "You know, person, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Great people. Good tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit from the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery Trump Tower Damascus analyzed by Reddit revealed that the lodge's landscaping types a large Trump head visible from Area, a function staying promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents plus the chin is… nicely, categorized.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits after locating the making's gold plating mirrored so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It truly is not simply unappealing. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," stated Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Confusing Features


Perhaps the strangest element of the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium in which visitors could contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, total with climate control established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Area Syrians are Doubtful what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-calendar year-previous Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Method: "If You Bomb It, They can Arrive"


The advertisement campaign, not too long ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Permanently."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll carried out inside of a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% stated "wherever's the closest elevator towards the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The undertaking is by now attracting attention from Worldwide traders, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll get 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional amount will likely include:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Based upon the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait to see a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a hotel where my PTSD may have change-down service."


A different submit from @KuwaitiKardashian basically asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Reports advise:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to build a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Remaining Thoughts from your Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that associated a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It required gold. It necessary a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave all of it 3. You happen to be welcome."

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